Further to one of my previous entries, people have asked me how recent events have put things into perspective and what I meant by it.

Well, I would try and explain it as a double edged sword. Whilst I have a sense of "freedom" in so much as you realise you have to make the most of what you have whilst you can (which can put the hum-drum of normal everyday life into perspective), I can also (more often than not) find the sense of loss debilitating. Whilst some people find it can "open their eyes", I feel it adds to my anxiety and fear. When something you take for granted (I'm not suggesting I took my Dad for granted, but rather the assumption that he was always going to be there) is suddenly whipped away from you and the world as you know it changes forever in an instant, and there's absolutely nothing you can do to reverse the process, then (for me anyway) it does make me wonder what else could change or be taken away ... and this doesn't make me greatly appreciate what I have but more fearful as to what I could lose. This could be notion in my head or in some cases it goes to the extent that I can even imagine awful things happening whilst I'm in a given situation and can actually see them happening in my head ... a passenger getting out of my car only to be hit by oncoming traffic for example (probably one of the less graphic examples).

And yes, I know this is irrational and if I went to a shrink or councillor they'd probably tell me that I'm worrying about things that will more than likely never happen and there is no evidence to suggest that any of these awful things will occur ... but there was no evidence to suggest Dad was going to drop down dead 2 days after being told he was clear of bowel cancer, but it still happened, and if that can be stripped from my life in a moment, then what's to say anything else can't.

In a nutshell, despite trying to have a positive outlook (as my dad would have had) the flood of donations, the newspaper articles, the training (or planning of training), the conversations I have with people, make me focus on matters a great deal more than I probably would normally and my poor show on Saturday really made me think I wasn't going to be able to even attempt the challenge and my silly notion had let myself down, the charity down, together with the people who have sponsored me and most importantly my Dad.

I still find the situation I'm in a little difficult to get my head around at times.